Yumi and I have discovered the rightness of these ten commandments in the “living laboratory” of our marriage and are honored to share them with you.
Honor the Bridge
There is an invisible bridge that connects us to our partner, and this bridge allows us to visit them, and get to know them and “learn” them. Become bi-lingual by learning the language of your partner.
Honor the Space
Our relationship lives in the “relational space” between us. It is like a garden whose soil we are tending. The space between us is the playground of our children. Keep the space sacred.
Honor the Laboratory
Our relationship is a small “living laboratory” where two grownups, who are little children on the inside, can help each other become two mature adults. Carry a picture of your partner as a little child in your wallet.
Honor the Present Moment
“You can look at life as if nothing is a miracle. Or you can look at life as if e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g is a miracle.” (Albert Einstein) Remember that the present moment with your partner is a miracle. Sitting across from each other, breathing together, looking at each other with “new eyes,” just being there together and being grateful for this moment is a miracle. Make it a moment of radical gratitude. This activity is called “Presencing,” welcoming the blessing of “Now.”
Honor the “Other”
Do remember that “incompatibility” is a boost to your relationship! When two people are the same… one of them is superfluous. Embrace the differences. Transform your point of view from: “The two of us are one… and I’m the one!” or “The two of us are one… and you are the one!” to “The two of us are two!” Each one of us is a unique individual on a joint journey towards relational maturity. Learn to become intelligent “in” your relationship.
Honor the Safe Harbor
Create a safe harbor for your partner because when things are difficult, growth is trying to happen. Conflict is a friend! Whenever there is a conflict say: “A Conflict! What an opportunity!”
Honor the Romance
Keep the fire going through romance. All day is foreplay. Gift your partner with at least 100 small gestures of love and caring every day. And remember to keep your relationship flourishing. There is a “Five to One” ratio of appreciations to criticisms.
Honor the Gift of Frustrations
There is a 90-10 formula in any conflict: 10% of the energy of the current frustration comes from the present, and 90% of the frustration comes from the past, which is still buried. “The Past is a silent voter in your apparent Present.” Frustrations are gifts to liberate us from the shackles of our past.
Honor your Dreams
Put your “wildest dreams” on the horizon because “Energy follows Attention.” When we dream alone it is just a dream. When we dream together it is the beginning of a new reality. Create a “joint vision” for your relationship. Providence will provide unexpected serendipities and gifts to realize your dreams.
Honor the Silence of the Soul
Take time each day to just look at each other in silence, holding your eye contact softly, holding hands gently, breathing together, and letting yourselves feel that there is “All the Time in the World” just to be together, and that “All is Well.”